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My Brother Was A Lesbian Once

February 16, 2010

In order for this post to make any sense at all, go here.  First off, I don’t want to see anyone’s kids get hurt. That video is fucking hilarious, though. Even my kids thought so. Well, the boy wasn’t too impressed, but the girl loved it. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Now since I’ve become a mom, I’m a little less entertained by kids getting kicked in the head. I think it has something to do with being able to project your kid into that scenario and getting all nervous that the other parents are judging you for letting your kid wander out into the middle of an acrobatic performance. Or is it just that I’m feeling like beating the living daylights out of that acrobat for kicking my kid in the head? (Bitch needs to watch out where she does her cartwheeling. This is a children’s birthday party!)  Either way, I’ve grown older than that girl in high school who watched that video several times EVERY DAY for about two months.  Am I less mean now? Probably not. I’m just a different kind of mean. The kind of mean that doesn’t mind telling you about the funny as hell shit my brother did when he was little. Like the time he ate poop. That was really funny. I’ll have to tell you about it sometime.

It’s a little known truth my brother dabbled in the lesbian lifestyle when he was three.   He carried my purse around…in the crook of his arm like he was a little old lady about to go shopping. It was a two-handled wicker job with a raffia elephant stitched on it that my Grandma brought me back from some tropical vacation. Clay will tell you the elephant made it masculine.   I say you could have bloody skulls stitched on it and it would still be a two-handled purse. 

He wasn't fooling anyone dressed up as a pirate, either.

Around the same time , he commandeered one of my larger baby dolls and would dance with her to my mom’s John Denver records in the sunken living room. (Remember sunken living rooms? They were like regular living rooms only about three steps lower than the rest of the house. I always wanted to fill ours with water and turn it into a swimming pool, but Mom wouldn’t let me. What’s the point of a sunken living room if you can’t fill it with water? Stupid 70’s.) Anyway, the doll’s name was Sha Sha. He LOVED Sha Sha and kissed her all of the time.

I don’t know what my mom must have been thinking at the time. The purse, the dolls, the show tunes…. I FORGOT TO MENTION THE SHOW TUNES! I’ll save that for later, too.

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17 comments

  1. Awesome first post!

    (my first post was better)


    • Thanks. It was. I’m having poster’s remorse. Although, I don’t regret telling people about your purse carrying.


  2. I haven’t even read the post yet. I’m just so damned exCITED that you have a voyeurnal now.

    w00t to the third power, Apryl.


    • It’s kinda scary.


  3. Perfect. Sibling rivalry played out before our very eyes. I’m excited. I hope someone gets jersied.


    • I’m thinking it will be me.


  4. OMG1 This is SO much better than my brother and I fighting it out. Mostly cuz he’s a total asshole, but also cuz we’re less funny. So, um, my point is, YAY!


    • Assholes can be difficult brothers. I’m sorry.


  5. And the elephant did make it masculine. That’s why I still use it. It’s perfect for my football and other man things. Sides of beef and whatnot.


    • Plus, you can hit people with it when they call you “girly man”.


  6. OK, my brother and I share an apartment so I am totally digging this. We can live out our continued sibling rivalry through you two.


    • It’s like being a pageant mom without the creepy dance coaching!


  7. Wouldn’t it make him more of a gay man than a lesbian? (sure some lesbians carry purses, but not the stereotypical one portrayed in media).

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.


    • Actually, it makes him more of a cross-dresser, since it was my girl doll he fell in love with. I was worried someone would get me on a technicality.


  8. This actually makes me feel better about the “Look at me! I’m a pretty princess!” phase my almost-3-year-old is going through at the moment. Unless Clay is STILL a lesbian. He’s not still a lesbian is he? Oh, god.


    • My son went through the same thing when he was 4, but I thought it was because he was hanging out with my brother too much. Turns out it was a phase.


  9. Hilarious! This is going to be a GREAT blog, I can tell. I now have you guys bookmarked…if I can figure out how in the hell to “follow” you I will do that too.

    Welcome to blogging, Apryl!!! 🙂

    I love your brother.



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