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Watching Tom Cruise Have Sex With Your Dad is Awkward (and so is this title)

March 11, 2010

By Apryl’s Antics

It’s 1983 and who the hell is Tom Cruise? I didn’t really care because my dad was taking us to the movies to see “Risky Business”—a teen movie!  My dad never took us to anything without Clint Eastwood in it. This was an anomaly of monstrous proportions. Was he visited by the three ghosts of teen empathy?

So, we’re in the theater and Tom is dreaming about the naked babysitter and I’m okay. Then Tom’s parents are going on vacation and leaving him in the house alone and I’m still fine. Then Tom does his Bob Seger dance and I feel better because watching a guy lip sync in a shirt and underwear is good, clean family entertainment. After that, Tom gets a hooker and I start to get nervous. They do it on the stairs, which is kind of awesome and horrible at the same time. Then comes

the TRAIN SCENE  and I’m wishing I could climb up into the screen and throw myself on the tracks because my parents and my 10-year old brother are there next to me and all I can think of is that they’re wondering whether or not I know what is actually happening and if I’ve done this sort of thing (even though they don’t have subways or commuter trains in Florida) and do I have SEX and how often and when did I start and do I use protection and am I a hooker or a slut and is it time for an all girl boarding school or prison and how can I get out of here or will myself to spontaneously combust and then my dad actually says right there in the theater, “WHERE’S RODNEY DANGERFIELD?”

So there you have it. My father thought he was taking us to see “Easy Money”. I’m not sure which is worse.

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14 comments

  1. Tom Cruise had sex with your Dad?

    Okay, but really I watched “Fatal Attraction” in the movie theater with my parents and during that scene where Glenn Close and Michael Douglas have sex in the kitchen I thought I was going to die.


    • The funny thing is your parents probably thought they were going to die, too.


  2. I watched “Slums of Beverly Hills” with my parents on videotape (Natasha Lyonne w/ a vibrator) and we were all too stunned to get up and stop it.
    Horrifying.
    We all pretend like it never happened


    • This is why the DVR will be instrumental during the years my kids are teens.


  3. Oh my god I remember that moment. I remember thinking, “Yay sex! Crap. I’m sitting with my siter and my father. This is hell.”


  4. If something like this happened and we were home I would go get a box of jello vanilla pudding and give it to my dad and say ‘Go make yourself useful’. The other awkward moment would be when everyone was quiet and my dad would let out a huge loud long fart…you don’t really chastise your dad for farting, you sort of pretend nothing happened.


  5. We had that policy growing up, too. Dad farts were never acknowledged. In my household farts are not only recognized, but rated for hang time, resonance, and volume. In fact, yesterday my husband was dubbed “Fartacus”.


  6. LOL Apryl your family and mine must be related.


  7. That is pretty damn funny. Dads try hard don’t they?

    Maybe he subconsciously took you to the right movie?


  8. I remember about 45 years ago, I would be on the floor in front of the tube watching the ‘Little Rascals’. Anytime there was a scene where Alfalfa was either singing to Darla or anyone was flirting with Darla, if my Mom was in the room I’d act busy as if I didn’t see that scene. It;s not as if Mom discouraged anything, I think I was embarrassed because I held a little crush on Darla. Then Marcia Brady & so on & so on.
    To this day I find myself trying to avoid the juicy moments on TV if my 90 year old mother is in the same room. And Mom is a cool, young soul. Perhaps I don’t want to corrupt her morals? lol


  9. Yeah, after reading that title, this post was NOT about what I thought it was going to be about.

    My grandpa took me to see Top Gun when I was 13. Remember that “Take my Breath Away” scene? Um, AWK-WARD.


  10. Yeah, went with my mom to see the Crying Game. ‘Nuff said.


  11. ROFL at the title. i totally thought you were talking about your dad and tom cruise. lol i remember this feeling plenty of times growing up. not looking forward to it with my own kids either.


  12. When I was about 8 my parents rented Skin Deep with John Ritter because, you know, anything with John Ritter is going to be good clean family fun and NOT a small step down from soft-core porn. Were they every WRONG. Bloody awkward.



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